I know the song is pretty long, but it is beautiful. I get chills every time I hear the song because I'm not just standing there in worship singing a song... I'm singing a prayer asking God to test my faith. I'm ASKING for God to take me further than I could ever wander on my own.
I've heard the song countless times on Pandora, in worship, etc. In fact, I heard it last week at our freshman chapel. Well last night we sang the song at our BSU gathering we have every week, and I was singing along until it got to the bridge where it says:
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior
When those words hit the screen and everyone around me started singing that out loud my eyes filled with tears and I choked. I couldn't bring the words out of my mouth. I was broken, standing there, I felt The Lord's overwhelming conviction. I had been singing this song the entire time and even the previous week in Chapel, but right then I realized I didn't mean a word I was saying, and it hit me hard. I stood there, broken before the Lord, ashamed.
Throughout the song I was singing about how my faith would stand firm even when it was tested. I was singing about finding rest in my Savior's arms in the midst of the chaos in life. I was singing about how my God had never failed me, and He wouldn't start now. Though every bit of that is 100% true, I knew I wasn't living my life that way.
Right now, if you know me, you know how overwhelmed I have been throughout this whole transitioning process from home to college. I have good days, and then I have really bad days where I feel like I can't handle it anymore. There's times where I would spend night after night in tears because I couldn't seem to grasp why God brought me here if He knew I was going to be having such a hard time adjusting. I know that I am suppose to be here at Mississippi College, but I still find myself doubting for whatever reason. I still get upset at the end of the day when I get discouraged by various things. I still find myself questioning God and His reasoning. I wasn't living out the words I was singing. The prayer I was praying throughout that song couldn't even leave my mouth because I knew that I didn't mean a word of it. I didn't want God to call me anywhere; I wanted to go home. I didn't want my faith to be tested; I was exhausted by what life had been to me lately. I didn't want to be led where my trust was without borders; I knew that I couldn't even trust God within set borders.
All of that hit me hard, it was like I got knocked out of breath. I seriously couldn't bring the words out of my mouth. I knew that I couldn't sing those words and mean a word of it. I choked. In that moment as the tears rolled down my face, I took a step back and thought about what I had been singing earlier...
Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed, and You won't start now
God's sovereign hand has been my guide even when I felt alone, even when I was scared, even when I was at my breaking point. HE WAS THERE. His grace was waiting there for me, His hand was guiding me throughout the whole process. I wasn't alone. He had never let me down before, and He had no intentions of starting now. He was there, holding me by my right hand, waiting for me to just follow His lead.
I stood there, wiped the tears away, and started to pray. I asked God to equip me with the strength to make it through what I have considered to be one of the loneliest times of my life. I asked God to give me courage to face each day with a good attitude. I asked God to allow me to be taken out where my trust had no borders. I wanted to start trusting God without having to see a reason behind every little detail of the day. I wanted to trust God in spite of the emotions that overwhelmed me each night. I wanted a trust without borders.
I don't know what this week or the following weeks are going to bring me. I know that the oceans are going to rise at times, but I will look above the waters. I will continue trusting because my God has never let me down, and He NEVER will.
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