I watched time and time again as the enemy would try to deceive me and convince me that I wasn't good enough to be sharing my heart with my friends and family much less people around the world. I watched him try to knock me down and keep me there countless times. I watched him throw arrows at my back over and over and over again, and believe me, it was exhausting. But I kept writing these posts anyway because I knew that I was doing what God wanted from me, until recently that is.
This past month, I could not bring myself to post a single thing that God placed on my heart. Why? Because Satan used something different from any other attack he had used on me before. I didn't face the little fears he would try to throw into my life anymore; I faced an attack on my heart.
Despite the many people who tried to tell me that my heart was being attacked by the enemy, it took me a great deal of time to really understand what was happening. However, little by little last night and today, God began to show me the things in my life that I had been allowing myself to believe.
Over these past few weeks the enemy had convinced me that God was holding out on me and that it was my fault I was going through the things I was and unable to get out. I began to be obsessed with doing what was right, and when I thought I had done everything "right" and still found myself in the same storm, I truly did believe for awhile that God was holding out on me for some reason. I then began to think that my faith was weak, that I didn't trust God as much as I claimed to, and that I was a terrible example for The Kingdom because I was stuck in a storm and unable to get out (as if it was required for me, as a follower of Christ, to live a perfect life with no troubles). How unbiblical the mindset I had was...
God has been teaching me these past 24 hours that He was not and is not holding out on me, and it's not my fault that the storm hasn't passed yet. Instead, He is using me (how humbled I was when I truly realized this). God is using me and my every weakness to bring glory to His name. How? Just like He used Paul, Job, and countless others in the Bible to glorify Himself through their weaknesses and their troubles. My name and my story isn't written in Scripture for all to see, but my story was written by the same Author. The comfort I had when God spoke that to my heart and I really soaked in the truth of it was astounding. Things didn't magically get better, and things didn't really even start to make any sense for me. In fact, I'm still following God down a path with an unknown destination, and I still can't see but one step in front of me at a time. However, I'm starting to take true comfort in not only knowing that God is in control and not going to leave my side, but that He is using me.
I let the enemy convince me for weeks that God wasn't and couldn't use me while I was going through this storm in my life, but He is! The little things God has taught me through everything I've been going through are the things He wants me to share. It doesn't matter that I haven't reached the other side of this storm yet. He's using me even through it, a promise I'm going to have to start clinging to daily. I'm so eager to start pushing away the lies that enemy has been telling me and to start following God's calling for me and writing again.
All this to say, God is using you too! It doesn't matter if you are at a high point in life, a low point in life, or just cruising along; God is using you. Your story has the same Author as Esther, Daniel, and countless others as well. Dwell on that for awhile and think of the things that God has already done in your life, and then sit back and rest in the fact that He will continue doing more amazing things through your life, your story, and your circumstances for the rest of your days.
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